Healing

I hurt my back (again) this week. I am officially feeling my age as I speed quickly towards 40. I have hurt my lower back a couple times in the past three years, but this is the first time that I have strained my upper back. A muscle that runs between my spine and my right shoulder blade decided to be angry with me on Monday, and it has been Advil and heating pads and Voltaren ever since.

As I woke up stiff and sore this morning after having felt better last night going to bed, the reality that healing is often cyclical rather than linear was very apparent. I wish that the process of healing for my back was quick and relatively painless, but it isn’t. My back feels better at certain times during the day, and it really hurts at other times. It comes and goes.

Healing from the injuries of life is like that too. Too often we want to think of our healing from emotional, social, or spiritual wounds as logical and linear. The healing journey looks a lot more like a wandering path through a forest than a straight highway. I was frustrated this morning at the pain that was making it difficult to move, making it difficult for me to do what I usually do. Healing is taking longer than I want. As if I was able to dictate the healing process.

I find myself wanting to dictate my emotional healing as well. I want to be on the far side of the healing process. Healing is hard and painful and it can sometimes feel worse than the initial injury. The emotional healing process seems to reach much deeper and further than just the primary injury, pulling up issues from the past, former hurts that we think have been healed over, but really aren’t. Healing is hard.

But it’s oh so worth it. I know that the pain in my back will subside. I will be able to get back to my regular life routines, with a healthy respect for what my body can and cannot do. There is rich life on the other side of healing, with greater wisdom and understanding. It’s worth doing what I know will promote healing– eating well, stretching, taking vitamins, hot baths– even if I constantly want to be further along in the healing process.

I don’t know what you’re healing from; I only know some of what I’m healing from. I often pray for the Holy Spirit to heal those wounds that I am not even aware of, the ones that my subconscious has suppressed, and I trust that the Spirit will do so. As you sit with whatever injury continues to impact your life– be it physical, spiritual, social, or emotional– I pray that you will know that you are not alone in your healing process. There are many walking wounded, but healing is possible. It may just take longer than you’d like.

Photo by Conscious Design on Unsplash

These are some things I have learned about healing:

1. Listen to your body. Your body will let you know when you are stressed or out of sorts. Learn to keep close tabs with yourself. Trust yourself. Your body wants what’s best for you. She is a faithful friend.
2. Self-care is not optional. I have learned this over Covid. As a Type A/Extrovert/Enneagram 1, I am constantly trying to be better and do better. My summers are filled with lists of To Dos. I have learned that rest is a spiritual discipline, and that by allowing myself margin and time to care for myself, I am able to function better in my professional life and within my relationships.
3. Healing usually takes much longer than we’d like. Make peace with that fact. It will help you engage with the healing journey rather than wish for it to be over already. There is much to learn from the process.

What a Beginning…

A new year and a new page. Until it wasn’t. It didn’t take long at all for the chaos and uncertainty of 2020 to rear emerge in 2021.

Photo by Waldemar Brandt on Unsplash

It was with horror that I watched the storming of the Capitol, seeing US Representatives, Senators, and staff members hiding from an angry mob that was provoked to violence by a bitter and angry narcissist.

What got me most was the flag being waved by one of the insurrectionists that boldly proclaimed “Jesus 2020” and the signs being waved with “Jesus Saves”. Most people believe that the commandment that demands that people not take God’s name in vain has to do with attaching God’s name to “Oh my”. I believe that slapping Jesus on behaviours that are so out of line with what Jesus called us to is a much more relevant application of that command.

I work with teens day in and day out, and so many looked at what happened in the Capitol and what they have been observing about Christians, especially Evangelicals, over the past year and they cannot reconcile what they have been taught, and what they read in their Bible, with the behaviours and beliefs they are seeing acted out in front of them. How can a Christian who is pro-life refuse to wear a mask that would help protect others around him? How can a Christian who believes that we “are all one in Christ Jesus” (Gal 3:28) vocally support white supremacy? How can a Christian who believes that “the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, [and] self-control”, and yet display none of these characteristics in their interactions with people who have a different skin colour or who have other religious beliefs? How can people make a deal with the devil to try to preserve their personal power and influence when that is diametrically opposed to the kingdom of God?

I have no excuses to provide them. All I can do is say that, in the midst of this trying year, the dross in the evangelical church has floated to the top as we have gone through the fire. Now the question remains, are we willing to submit ourselves- individually, corporately- to the purifying work of the Holy Spirit to remove the sin (of greed, arrogance, white supremacy, and more) so that we can come out on the other side better poised to be a light for Christ, rather than a hinderance to the Gospel message? If we don’t, we won’t have to worry about whether having hip enough music or cool enough light shows are enough to keep our young people in our churches- they’re going to be gone. They care more about whether we are being the body of Christ, speaking out for the oppressed and marginalized, than if we have a coffee bar in the foyer.

As I was reading my Bible today, this verse stuck out to me:

“Therefore, repent and return, so that your sins may be wiped away, in order that the times of refreshing may come from the presence of the Lord“. Acts 3:19 (emphasis mine).

It seems as if we have lost our understanding of what it means to repent and return, at least for ourselves, as the North American church. What it means to recognize our individual and collective sin, to lament corporately of our duplicity as the church as we have verbally touted the Gospel message for all while acting out a Gospel that in actuality is for me and mine.

We are called to repent of our sins, to humbly recognize where we are wrong. Where we have listened to the lies of the enemy instead of truth from God. Instead, there is a doubling down, a reinforcing of the lie that our perceptions and beliefs are always right, that we are infallible. That we would be happier if things remained the same, regardless of who it hurts, regardless of whether or not we remain in our sin, as long as we are the ones in power.

God help us.

So where do we go from here? We follow the process that Peter set out in Acts:

1. We repent. We name and repent of our individual arrogance and biases, of our unwillingness to care for others as much as we care for ourselves. Our tendency to say, “Yes, but what about me and mine?” We give up our individual rights for the greater good of those around us, knowing that, in the Kingdom of God, what we are called to is foolishness to those who don’t believe.
2. We return. We return back to Christ, our first love, not to a thirst for power and influence, but only to Christ. We return to the Scriptures, knowing that the Bible will lead us into wisdom. We return to the ministry of reconciliation: “for Christ’s love compels us…He died for all, that those who live should no longer live for themselves but for him who died for them and was raised again…All of this is through God, who reconciled us to Himself through Christ and gave us the ministry of reconciliation: that God was reconciling the world to Himself in Christ, not counting men’s sins against them. And He has committed to us the message of reconciliation” (II Cor. 5:14-15, 18-19)
3. We wait in anticipation for times of refreshing [which] come from the presence of the Lord. And we don’t just anticipate these for ourselves, but we wait expectantly for refreshing for those who have historically been marginalized and oppressed. For those whose voices have been silenced. We listen to those voices, knowing that one way for refreshing to happen is for reconciliation to occur. We actively pursue refreshment for others over our own desires.

Photo by Nathan Dumlao on Unsplash

This has been a heavy week after a heavy year. We, however, are called to engage in this world to shine the light of Christ, and that has been my sincerest hope behind penning these words. To call others, as well as myself, to living out the call of Jesus in a world where Satan has to do very little to malign the name of Jesus because we’re doing a great job of it ourselves as Christians.

There are wonderful voices who are worth listening to in regards to calling out to the Church, their prophetic words inviting Christ-followers back into right relationship with God. A few that I recommend following are Rich Villodas, Osheta Moore, and Latasha Morrison. Who else do you recommend following?

Done with a False Dichotomy

I have noticed a recurring theme running throughout several conversations I have had over the last few years.  I have spent a lot of time thinking about this theme, talking with other trusted friends and leaders, and trying to wrap my head around this phenomenon.

The false dichotomy of either having to 100% agree with everything an author or speaker has to say.

Photo by Joel Muniz on Unsplash

Background: A few years ago, I was herding cats (aka parenting my three young boys) when I received a text from a friend.  As I had previously posted about my enjoyment of a popular author’s book, this friend want to inform me about a theological stance this author had recently made public.  My friend wanted to ensure that I knew so I could publically disavow (ie. remove prior blog posts, put up a Facebook post) this author and all of her writings.  I didn’t.  I don’t have to agree 100% with everything any author or speaker writes to still believe that they have valuable knowledge and wisdom to share.  I didn’t even realize that for some people, 100% agreement was not only important, but mandatory.

This seems to be a recurring conversation.  I have had this conversation so many times that I often feel the need to preface an author recommendation with “I don’t agree with everything s/he says, but…” just to cut it off at the pass.

So here is my full disclosure so I need not keep having this conversation:

I believe that this false dichotomy (false– not true……dichotomy– division into two mutually exclusive, opposed, or contradictory groups) is something to delve into.  We have become more and more segregated within our  culture (politically, socially, etc) and this has leeched into our religious settings as well.  This had been on very vivid display over the last 12 months.  No longer can people hold varied views on theological issues, but instead we are quick to place people into “right” or “wrong” camps, those that are inside our preconceived boxes and those who are outside the box.  Rarely do we ever think we may be the ones in the wrong.  That maybe we are the ones with the incorrect or incomplete theology.  Now, I believe that we can firmly say, “This is my belief based on my interpretation of Scripture” which allows for others to have another belief without compromising our own, and that this actually stimulates conversation.  It is good and true and important.  But this instantly demonizing a person who believes differently about an aspect of theology, of tossing the “heretic” label around (and be sure you actually understand what this term means before slapping it on someone’s forehead), of discounting that person’s Christianity because it doesn’t look exactly like I want it to look– I am done with that.

Done with demanding that other people’s spiritual lives mirror my white middle class existence.  Done with demanding that other people toe my spiritual line, like I had a right to draw it in the sand to begin with.  Done with the “Did you hear about…” and “Can you believe what she…”.  Just done.

What am I not done with?

1. Reading broadly and widely.  One thing I learned in university is that through reading, I can be exposed to thoughts and ideas far beyond my own knowledge and experience.   I often say to my high school students, “Read authors you know you will disagree with”.  There is nothing challenging about reading something that affirms what you already know- that is a waste of time.  Read books that challenge you and make you think hard.  That leads directly to–
2. Be a critical thinker. Many people seem to believe that to read a book, or to enjoy and learn from a book, means that you 100% agree with all ideas within said book.  This is poppycock.  I have never read a book and agreed 100% with any author.  I don’t agree 100% about everything with anyone, even my husband.  Part of the reading process is taking in new knowledge and weighing it against what you already know.  You can then remain unchanged, you can modify your ideas, or your ideas can be transformed.  This is the process of learning.  You, however, are in charge of that process.  It is not an existential process that happens without your approval or participation.  Think critically about everything that passes through your brain.  It will make you a better person.
3. Being unified with people who I disagree with, even on important matters.   When it comes down to it, there are core doctrines that are non-negotiable.  Beth Moore described these as the “spine issues”- those things that keep the body of Christ erect.  These include the divinity of Christ, the birth, death, and resurrection of Christ, etc.  There are a whole bunch of “rib issues” as well, those things that give structure to the body of Christ, but which are often debatable.  The issue is that many people have made some of those rib issues into spine issues. When that happens, we draw battle lines over disagreements and we are quick to condemn those who think differently.  We are called to more.  We are called to unity, not conformity, within the body of Christ.  That means that there is room for the Pentecostals, the Baptists, the Mennonites, the (fill-in-the-blank-with-preferred-denomination) here.  We will think differently about some things, but as a wise mentor once told me, “We agree on way more than we disagree on.  We just have a tendency to forget that.”

Photo by Priscilla Du Preez on Unsplash

So this false dichotomy of either having to 100% agree with everything or nothing an author or speaker has to say– let’s just say no to that line of thinking.  Let’s hold each other to be critical thinkers who are capable of nuanced thinking and conversations. Let’s purpose to be better together.

A Year to Behold

My feed on both Twitter and Instagram (I only check Facebook rarely now– too much crazy) has been full this week of people wishing 2020 a not-so-fond farewell and many more wholeheartedly welcoming in 2021, hoping that the turn of the calendar page will miraculously switch the fortunes of the coming month. We spent some time last night as a family reflecting back on 2020 and all that the year held for us. I know that for many, 2020 was a difficult year of hardship and loss. Thankfully, that was not the case for us and this year has actually been one of many benefits.

1. Family Time- last year my word for the year was “MORE”. I wanted to focus on more time with my husband and my sons, and this year certainly provided more of everything. More family game nights. More bedtime read alouds. More baking together. More backyard fire pits with s’mores. Basically, more time to engage in the life-giving rhythms of a much quieter life.

2. Downtime- I am not a person who usually carves out downtime for myself unless I have to. What little downtime I do have is usually highly productive (catching up on all the reading/projects that I have to postpone during my busy seasons). I like being busy, but this past year taught me the benefits of downtime. Of allowing myself the time to read fluff books because my brain could only handle hard topics for so long. Of allowing myself long hours sitting on our front porch, often chatting with friends or alumni who needed a listening ear (while maintaining social distance). This is the first year in a long time where I felt like I could breath deep. It felt nice.

3. Reconnecting- one of the best parts of 2020 was reconnecting with my best friends for a weekly chat/Bible study over Zoom. I looked forward to it each and every week– sharing stories, prayer requests, and just life again like we used to in high school.

Looking forward to 2021–

We also talked last night about what we want to take forward with us into 2021 that was good and positive and life-giving. We want to maintain our Friday Family movie/game nights (P suggested alternating every week), to keep our decluttered schedule and only add back in that which we really love or benefit from, and to continue with our family evening devotions. These are all things that have grounded us as a family unit and which, as my boys approach their teenage years, we want to maintain our connection and comradery.

I have spent this past week personally reflecting on 2020 and what it has taught me. Most of it is personal, but one thing I am taking away is that if I want to pursue some of my dreams, I will need to be brave and courageous and take a leap of faith. This year has made some things very apparent to me: (1) calling and giftings are not dependent on the people around us, just on the God who both calls and gives us what we need to fulfill the calling; (2) fear of the unknown will always be there– be brave, take a leap of faith, and be willing to take a risk; and (3) life is both the good and the bad, and most of life lives in the tension between the two- not wholly wonderful all the time, but not wholly awful all the time. We live in the shadowlands (thanks, C.S. Lewis)

I also took time to discern my Word of the Year for 2021. This year, my word is:

BEHOLD

Be:: hold– the word means not just “to see”, but “to take hold of” and “belong to”. The process of beholding is not purely an intellectual exercise, but rather the practice of being fully present with our whole selves (Niila Advent Devotional).

I have read through the Bible so many times and have come across the word “behold” without truly ever understanding it. “Behold” was always more of a “Watch out!” or “Hey there!” in my mind as I read. Further study has taught me to look at “behold” as more of an invitation to fully see what is in front of me. To be willing to take hold of some dreams as well as the reality of what is already in front of me- my family whom I cherish, a job that I love, friends whom I adore. Of choosing to just “be”, rather than frantically racing ahead in my own mind. Of being willing to “hold” the good and the bad, acknowledging the tension between the reality of our present circumstances while looking for the good that is also present.

I am looking forward to 2021 and all it will entail- the good and the bad. I have set goals that I hope to accomplish, and I am excited to see where God takes those longings and desires.

How about you? If you choose a Word of the Year, what word has been placed on your heart? If you set goals, what are some of your goals?